OCD and the Need to Vent

by Matt B. on March 23, 2015

N asks: Does it help to vent? To get mad at the universe? For me, it doesn’t. The universe is too big, too diffuse – there’s nowhere to actually place the blame.

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A Skull Full of C4 (More OCD Fragments)

by Matt B. on March 23, 2015

1 One of those movies where a bomb’s going to explode if it’s jiggled even a little, and the hero has to carry it across town in a MacGyvery contraption made of coffee grounds and pipe cleaners and luck. OCD is like that, except the bomb is my brain.

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OCD’s Offer

by Matt B. on March 18, 2015

For two hours a day, you will believe things that aren’t true. Crazy things – that you gave yourself cancer when you walked behind a bus. That you ruined your finger cartilage when you picked your nose, and that you will never write again. That your lot is suffering; that hope is futile. On some […]

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Getting Engaged

by Matt B. on March 17, 2015

A couple weeks ago, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. In a moment I might have wanted to protect from OCD more than any other, I found myself weirdly accepting.

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Wittgenstein’s Preoccupations and OCD

by Matt B. on March 13, 2015

Just finished Ray Monk’s preoccupying biography of Wittgenstein. The book ends with a graceful, English-minimalist take on Wittgenstein’s death – a quietly moving tribute to a man so suspicious of what language could really say. I want more, so I dive into the appendix. This, I quickly realize, is an analysis of some other writer’s […]

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OCD is an Endless Catch-22

March 10, 2015

1 Fatigue sucks, because my mind amps up the self-abuse. I drink caffeine, but that sucks too – my mind spins faster, cuts deeper, and I get sand-buried in guilt for losing my nerve and refusing to face fatigue. 2 I can’t stand idleness, because intrusive thoughts seep in the cracked windowsills (or kick in […]

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Coffee and OCD

March 9, 2015

The world shrinks to the size of a decision. On the phone, I ask N to bring a coffee home, my second of the day. Reluctantly, she agrees. (I get jittery, anxious, and OCD has its backstage pass.) I drink a few sips, then put it down. A few more, then again. I have to […]

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